Indash life

Can you call life, simple existence? I have been asking this question for a long time. After all, for more than ten years now, I feel like a pale shadow.
I see how good the people around me are, how happy they are, how they continue to grow and develop. And that makes me happy. I am happy for them, I am proud of them. But I am haunted by the constant question - why am I not happy?
I gave up a lot, too much, and everything for the sake of those who are dear to me, whom I love. And as a result. As a result, I was left empty and alone. All this had an extremely negative effect on me, coupled with depression and depression, my health was shaken. I seek solace in a bottle, in tobacco, in drugs, and in the arms of another strong person. I feel terrible dissatisfaction, pain, torment, and with all this I try to cope myself, creating for the others the appearance that everything is supposedly fine with me ... But, how long will I last?